I got your back!

Ah look! i'm posting again!

Since it is Wednesday, I have a little more free time!*

It is lovely here in Ohio, rainy, cold and no freaking sign of spring. Can you feel me on this? Oh wait, most of you live in the oh so warm WEST! Well Timmy can surely feel my pain!

Anyway there is all this writing about being funny and wonderful and stuff. I feel that tension kind of too. Mostly I started my blog because I wanted to write. Alas I fall into the category of feeling inadequate about what I write... Then I'm like, well this really isn't a popularity contest. So piss on it. I'm wild, weird and I write when I write and comment when I comment. It's all good, right?

So PK, I feel you but no matter what or how you write, it is all good!

In any event, I thought I'd write a little story for ya'll. Why? Because your patience deserves it! ; )

I'm a small person but I talk a big game. If I've been drinking, I tend to become superwoman. I can lift, throw, yell, fight! You name it!

In my youth, haha (while attending college anyway) drinking was obviously an integral part of my nightly adventures. This particular summer night my friends and I were at a party in some po dunk town which was near a small lake. We hit up this bar that was on the lake and it was pretty rugged. I am talking, ram shackle, log style, depot looking joint. At least the alcohol was cheap! It did have a pretty fancy deck on the back fortunately. This allowed us to take in the lakes beauty (spanning about 3 feet in diameter) and the docks with boats stationed there. The docks had spot lights on them, keep that in mind.

On one particular boat there was some partying going on. So the 10 of us park our asses on the fancy railing of the fancy deck and act as spectators to this hillbilly party on the boat! There was one girl and two good ol boys. The "good ol boys" were typical with their John Deere hats, their bellies pushing their pants down, and unkept hair and beards. Think John Goodman, on a bad day.

You can then imagine what Miss Thing looked like! She was typical 80's flashback with bleach blond stringy dead ass hair with Heather Lockhart's roots. Her body was NOT banging (well maybe her fat was banging the side of the boat w/ each passing wake?). She was first wearing a t-shirt with the loved and not lost rolled up short sleeves for a pack of cigarettes perhaps? And jeans that did not fit. These jeans quite unflatteringly declared her ass went from her neck to the back of her knees. (damn i am HARSH!) haha

What happened next made the spectacle even more entertaining! She started making out with both the guys, like HARD CORE. They are sort of going at it and we are squealing with delight. Our group was comprised of mostly men and like 3 women. I was dying laughing and we were all doing the elbow punching to one another. The three-some was so engrossed with one another that they didn't seem to mind the 10 of us cackling and yelling 5 feet from them. That was until she took her shirt off! (her bra was left intact)

She proceeded to prance around the boat like she was Queen Elizabeth. Apparently this show was for US! In complete disgust at the oversized stomach dwarfing any known tits she was trying to captivate us with, I yelled at the top of my lungs, "EW! Put your fucking shirt back on! No one wants to see that shit!" Laughter erupted from the group. *smilingsheepishly*

She yelled back, "what?!" Unfortunately I did not shut up and at this point she was trying to pull her sorry ass out of the boat and onto the dock. I said, "You fucking heard me, put your shirt back on!" We are all still laughing our asses off. She comes charging our way and who do you think is the first and only pussy out of her seat?! ME! I took off running the other way! No one else moved! How pathetic is that?!

She came up and in a drunken stupor asked, "who said that?!" (Sort of obvious who said it when the only one running away is me!) My friend Michelle was like, "who gives a fuck, put your shirt back on!" The 80's lady wasn't having any of this and tried to pull herself up the deck's side and was failing miserably. She kept falling away and finally her two manly men grabbed her kicking and screaming as she yelled explicatives our way.

It was pretty funny since that is the closest I've come to a fight. I felt better knowing everyone had my back...but me! Like I said, I talk a big game...






*(a little more free time) My ass! you all know better! I got ALL the free time!