Can I get a Witness??!

Friday: Sunshiny 80 degrees splendor

Saturday: Cloudy, Rain/Snow 30 degrees of shitness

Sunday: Dark, Dreary and nothing but SNOWY stupidity

Monday: Sunshiny and 60 degrees

Tuesday - Sunday: Rain, Rain, Rain and cold fucking temperatures.


You might pose the question, is it not the end of April? How is it snowing? That my friends is the determining factor of my quest to move to a land of sun, sand and WARM weather!

Egypt, here I come!

You like that don't you?!

Blogger's Red Flags*

Statements Like:

"The Problem with the Problem Page blah blah the new Recover page option is OFFline while we make adjustments"

Making a point to actually BLOG and ending up with:

Error 409 blah blah blah (basically you lost your fucking post, it won't publish)

Other than that, I'm content with sharing thoughts through comments since I can usually NEVER FUCKING POST. haha (i'm feeling ornery today)(i love that html is here w/ me at work! it is wicked awesome!!!!)









*Oh my gosh i still love you blogger! You are the jam to my peanut butter, the bread without the crusts, mmm peanut butter and jelly with the crusts cut off, who is your dad, Mr. Rogers? Um actually its Mr. Johnson...

Me:

YOU ARE A DICK HEAD!

blogger:

WHO ME?!

Me:

YEAH! YOU SUCK SO BAD! NON PUBLISHING MOFO!

Pretty in Pink (my writing)

Sup Peops?!

Can you believe I haven't had time for you? What a bitch eh? I'm sooo selfish!

Okay have any of you seen Fever Pitch? I'm not going to do a "Martin" and detail the movie's adventures etc. Though you must know that this movie is so worth seeing! For once I wasn't the only one in the audience laughing uncontrollably...well maybe a little more than anyone else but this movie was freaking funny! Jimmy Fallon is my hero!

I'm bored, entertain me!

Yeah so, this morning I'm driving down the road and in the middle of the street I see one shoe. I look around...only one. Who loses one shoe? In the middle of the street? Is this only in Ohio or what? This isn't the first time either. Just one shoe.

While on the topic of the foot region...how is it that no matter what you do to retain both socks at all times...one is always lost in the bunch? How? Where do they go?!?! I'm convinced there is a sock troll in each and every residence who steals a sock. You'll never find that missing sock man, just let it go.

The Home of Steers and Queers!

After visiting this said to be highly "backward" state of the union, I saw only a few peculiar differences between them* and us**!

First of all, I saw 2ft by 5ft signs in the window of each establishment (whether it was the local IHOP, McDonalds or Kroger) state (in 100 font) plainly: The consumption of alcoholic beverages on the premises is unlawful. Apparently these signs are necessary since...

Just last year the state of Texas passed a law forbidding the consumption of alcohol in motor vehicles. (*sigh* I was a year late in visiting this grand state to see peculiar activity such as bearing witness to a native slugging a 40 oz. of OE while tooling down the interstate in a Ford F550 10 ton pick up!)

There are also signs in such establishments such as McDonalds that state that it is unlawful to have switchblades, knives or swords on the premises. You see if it isn't a shotgun, its fatal potential is higher? Also being that Texas is a bit racist against the pirates that seem to flock there...outlawing swords seems to curb their population size.

Honestly though, all the people in the city of Nacogdoches, Texas were very nice people. I didn't make that city up either. It is said to be the oldest city in Texas. Believe me, they use this as a selling point for tourist attraction. The billboard signs along the interstate were of a great marketing strategy being situated 5 miles apart for a 100 mile stretch. Most times while driving along the interstate you'll see the "Jesus Saves", "McDonalds 5 miles at Exit 15", "Seatbelts Save Lives" etc. Nope, Texas' stretch was sold out on COME VISIT THE OLDEST CITY IN TEXAS! It must've worked since that is where we ended up!


FAQ's

1. Does everyone drive a pick up truck?
Yes
2. Did you see any black people?
Yes, two
3. Is gas cheap there?
NO
4. Are you wearing any underwear today?
Yes, a bit of an odd question really but Yes.



I'm willing to field any additional questions. Feel free to ask away! I am an expert now that I've been to one city for 3 days one time in my life.






*Texans
**All Normal People Populating the U.S. save those living in Texas

Since yesterday was a super warm 75 degrees (compared to the 30 degrees and SNOW we received on Saturday) I, along with the rest of the native Ohioans, was merrily driving with my windows down blasting my radio.

Do you ever wonder what people are thinking as they pollute the air with obscene music like Opera or Showtunes from inside their vehicle? I thought this last night as I was listening to the radio and Steve Winwood came on. Now, I like Steve Winwood but I'm surely not going to admit this to other drivers or even *gasp* pedestrians! I can imagine the looks of disapproval I would receive. So I decided I either enjoy this music with my windows UP or...I put in a CD. So I did the latter.

My macho driving would surly be undermined if Steve Winwood singing love songs escaped for all to hear! You may ask what it was I decided to listen to...Techno of course! Nothing can get the blood pumping like some Darude, Sandstorm action!

Buy and Sell!

So yesterday after work I noted that my truck's little meter was inching quickly to the E in the gas tank. Meaning the baby girl needed some petrol. Right, so unless you've been living in a small cubby with no light and haven't joined what the rest of us call "society" in quite sometime, you know that petrol (gas) is a tad on the expensive side. Let me just call it like I see it, I'd rather pay a towing service to move my car from point a to point b as that would cost a shit load less than filling it up! I need an American Express Black card or I can't pay at the pump! Thanks Bush, you fucking asshole.

Anyway so I leave work and the first station I see, it says $2.34. TWO THIRTY FUCKING FOUR A GALLON?! I was less than happy about that to put it extremely lightly. So I think, hmm there has to be a station somewhere that still has it at the oh so wonderful (think sarcastic while reading that) 2.09 as seen earlier in the morning. Fucking 2.09 I'm happy to pay? I think not! However fucking 2.34 I won't pay!

Low and behold, thank my lucky stars for having to drive into the ghetto! I see $2.10!!! Wahooo! So in a very ecstatic commotion I swerve into the station like the General Lee with Cooter on my tail! (cooter!) I pull up to the first pump, check the actual pump to make sure those fuckers aren't messing with me and satisfied I jump out and start to load my credit card bent over fully expecting the anal penetration (with NO lube) to begin!

While taking the sodomization rather well there is a conversation on the other side of the pump. A truck full of Mexicans had pulled up (they don't travel alone folks) and the attendant inside the station asked them to please pre pay before starting the pumpage. So the one Mexican, we'll call him Jose. Jose futily says to the attendant, "I ain't payin inside first, (motions to second mexican, Diego) You go and pre pay!" Diego does what he is told and he disappears for a while. Jose apparently bored while waiting strikes up a conversation with a person who has apparently broken down a couple yards away. "Hey! (he yells to the broken down car guy) You selling that car?" I hear some verbiage but can't make it out. Jose yells, "Does it have power steering? No power steering?" Apparently even if the car is not going to move, the power steering would still be important! "How much?" Jose yells. Satisfied that he wasn't getting the car, he starts mumbling to Mexican #3. By this time, Diego is making his way back to the truck. (I'm finishing up w/ being disgraced anally. I top the bitch off at $30)

Upon placing the pump handle back in its home, Diego yells at me, "HEY! You selling that truck?" Out of nowhere comes this screech and I hear, "NO!! I'm not selling MY FUCKING TRUCK?!" come out of my mouth! Wow! ha ha (kinda surprised myself too!)

Jose pops his head around the corner and looks at my truck and says, "No, She ain't selling her truck!" (mocking me) I say a lot louder, "What is with you people (yeah, i went THERE!) and buying cars clearly not for sale?" Jose says, "That is what we do! We buy and sell cars!" I said, "Well you sure as fuck aren't selling my car!" Jose's like, "I'd give you $27 dollars for it!" I remarked snidely, "I can't even fill up the fucking gas tank for that!" Then I peeled outta there...again General Lee-ing it up! I had to laugh! Fucking Mexicans*! I'm a damn spaz! Aww.














*I am in no way a bigot or racist. you have to know that i am joking. anyone who takes offense can fuck off. ; )

Doctor Know(s TMI)

Those of you who've been reading from the VERY beginning know that i'm the antithesis of a hypchondriac. Antithesis of one who visits doctors. The antithesis of having any procedure with the reward being my health insurance not covering it.

Plainly stated, I don't EVER go to the doctor. Albeit somewhat disrespectful to my body as "wellness" care is a responsible duty...i say, "If it ain't broke, fuck it!"

Well I gave in and went to the doctor. I know, i know! I didn't want to I swear! however, this is a special doctor! Regarding the special functions necessary for a very special reproductive possiblity in the future...very much the future. Like in ten years people.

All you ladies in the house know the simple list of questions you face when visiting this doctor. I won't bore you with all the answers* save one.

When asked, "Do you provide yourself with routine breast examinations?" I looked at him (yeah Him) and said, "errrr, ummm, i suppose i should answer yes?" he started to admonish me and i piped in, "my boyfriend does...sort of!!" Both of us starting cracking up, he shook his head and said, "I'll give you a check minus on that one" ha ha ha (I was getting graded!) (Awesome!)








*yes
*no
*it frequently burns in that area yes
(haha just kidding)

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!!!

So i love this day! LOVE IT!

I'm sooo gullible so it makes it fun for everyone to play pranks on me! If you are also naive, i'm sure you've experienced some good prank allstars in your day!?

Humor me! I want to know the funniest/most believable April Fools Prank played on you!

I will try to think of a good one for you in the meantime. Yayee!