TFGIFF

Happy Thank Fucking Goodness It's Fucking Friday to everyone!!!

This weekend should be a good one! Tonight after I work out, I'm going to go spend a retarded amount of money on a stuffed animal!!! You know those "build a bear" stores? Well my best friend and I got gift certificates for Christmas at such a store so as to wield our creative genius!

We are going to stuff the insides of a creature we deem appropriate and snuggle with it a minute or two. Our efforts will most undoubtedly create a wonderful stuffed animal which will have a predetermined fate. Being that my best friends animal will get eaten up by her doggies. Mine will end up somewhere weird, like under my bed collecting dust for the remaining days of my life. However, while cleaning under my bed every month or so, I will pull it out, dust it off and note my ingenuity in making such a masterpiece of fluff!

Saturday night is GAME NIGHT!!!! For those of you who love Balderdash, Cranium and other largely hilarious group games, you are so jealous!!!! There is nothing more fun than cheating, I mean, playing games with a large group of friends. The madness that ensues is sheer entertainment!

Have a great weekend!!

Fucking Wednesday

You know, instead of Hump Day we should refer to Wednesday as Fucking Day. It's just got a nicer ring to it I think. Wednesday is especially sedate in the office which tends to slow time down so much that I'd liken it to following around an 80 year old in the grocery store. Nipping at their feet the whole time, wanting to go faster but not able to pass them. Anxious as hell behind them as they shuffle ever so slowly, careful to read every damn package on every shelf of every product ever made. Fucking old people! Wow. I've got some pent up anger I think. I like my grandparents and all but if they are in front of me...they better move outta the way! What? You feel the same way! Don't deny it!
I'll be happy whem I am 70 years old shuffling around slowly in the store. I won't have any shame! (i'm not living to be 80 though! you can't make me!)

Right on, now onto another subject! Who says this, "thank you much" What is that? I hear it all day every day. "thank you much" how does this make sense? it doesn't! suck!

oh my gosh! the funniest thing ever! I've never laughed so hard (yes i have). I was talking on the phone a while ago w/ my best friend. We are talking and the conversation winds down after an hour (yeah we have a lot to talk about!) then all the sudden she says, "Oh crap, I've got something important to tell you" then the phone goes dead. I look incredulously at the phone like, "i can *NOT* believe that just happened!?" So I am stoked to hear what this important thing is and I start to laugh thinking she did it on purpose? maybe?
I call her back and I'm all, "so what is it? what is so important?" she starts laughing and tells me she did it on purpose. I was crying laughing, what an awesome prank! I mean it took me like 10 minutes to stop laughing. it is that hysterical laugh kind of like after you scare someone on purpose? why is that so funny? have you ever scared someone in the shower? I will laugh so hard that i can't catch my breath, i have to concentrate on not laughing. just the image of the scared person is absolutely hysterical. i'm chuckling to myself right now!
in any event, if you are feeling down and you need a good pick me up, call someone you love and talk for a while then pop the "oh my gosh, I forgot to tell you!" then hang up! i swear it is the greatest!!!

You take dead animals to the vet?

I'd take you to the vet!

My come back lines are about as good as Chris Farley's in Tommy Boy. I suck. It makes for a more humorous conversation though!

I'll say hesitantly "shuuut up" or "you're the one..." in reaction to my subjection of routine ridicule.

It is pretty pathetic really. I think that with my vernacular at hand, I could think of something witty. However it is always the case that the most witty come backs occur to me a good half hour AFTER the fact. Then I have a good chuckle to myself, hoping next time I'll be on my toes and prepared for the "witty" to occur. It doesn't ever happen like that, but my hopes keep me dredging through this cruel, cruel world. hee hee

That is all.

Mommy, Mommy the Rhino's getting too close to the car!

Watching the Discovery Channel is an addiction that I need to start battling against.

You would think, learning about the world and its various realities would prove fulfilling for your mind. Sure, you think that until you learn something you wouldn't mind being ignorant about. No, scratch that, you learn shit that you wish to God you did not know!

Who the hell are the directors in charge of programming for this channel? They are creating a world of invisible monsters to wreak havoc on my otherwise non-threatening existance!

What the Discovery Channel has done now is made me aware of mites. Mites! Have you seen these little beasts? Ewwww! They are EVERYWHERE! In your pores, eyebrows, all over your face and in your pillows!

I was talking with a friend (Hi James!) We were discussing how he washes his pillows every month to avoid an India-like population (before the tsunami) of mites than if he weren't to wash them at all. My response to this, "You wash your pillows? You can DO that?" Obviously I didn't get that memo.

Though I have been aware of these mites for some time (thank you Discovery Channel summer of 1997) (why i remember this detail of "when" (and i can't remember yesterday ?): this "discovery" segment was involving miniscule creatures (obviously) but I remember it was summer time because this certain species (can't recall their identity)(this could most assuredly be a blessing!) of the little critters were rampant in hot, humid climates. which then reminded me of the weather at that time and the increase of "said" critters population because of the summer conditions, eww! I was in college then thus I had nothing better to do then sit home on my summer break and watch TV!!!) (and I had some brain cells left to remember what I watched)

ANYWAYS! The most cognizant area I envision these atrocious mites is in my eyebrows! I swear I can FEEL them in there! I do battle with them using my fingers. I automatically push my eyebrows back into place after feeling even the most remote tingle in the hair follicles! I think, those fuckers are on the move again! They eat your dead skin, did you know that? They are all over your face! In your pores and follicles. They are some UGLY mother fuckers too!

I imagine they congregate in my eyebrow area for the most dense amount of dead follicle action and of course for the best protection against the elements! I wonder if they have an army in the left eyebrow that battles the right eyebrow's army. Follicle fighters!

Point is they are ugly and I think about them on a daily if not hourly basis.

Thanks Discovery Channel. What was once a life living free of miniscule follicle eaters, is now corrupt at the thought of mangy looking mites digesting my face and eyebrows. Mmm.

A (terrible) (but passionate) Ode to Tazo

Tazo Tea, I'm in Love with Thee!!!!
I've been all about your Passion Tea
For it was the best i could imagine Possibly!

However from random choice at the supermarket
I've found a tea to which my desire's stronger than a hippie's for a bong hit

It is the Oh so delectable blend of Black Tea, cinnamon, pepper and star anise
My dear lord there is no explanation that can quite explain a love such as this

Tazo Chai, It is I who has longed to drink you
I love the spice that makes my taste buds coo

That is all.

Don't run away from your feelings!

My new (to me) saying is: That's what SHE said.

I think it is super funny. Especially after someone says something like: "Dominique, we are late, let's go!" I'll say, "that's what she said!" hahaha Then ... they'll be like, "Seriously, get your stuff, let's go." I say, "that's what she said!" hahaha

Awesome!

No Point

Why is there a Nutrition label on Water? Calories: 0 Fat: 0 Sodium: 0 Carb: 0 Protein: 0
A genius put that label together, I'll tell you what!

"I'll tell you what" I just noticed this really makes no sense. Sounds like a southern/hick saying...you know because they hardly ever make sense. Aww! Southern folk are nice, they just don't have the particular phonetic grasp on the English language that the northerners do.

(Yes, Tim, the time is jacked up, don't look at it if you don't like it!!) ; )

50 Things Because I'm Fucking Bored and Can't Think of 100

1. What's my name? Shut the fuck up!
2. This morning I got to work and upon getting out of my truck, I locked myself out of it. Yep, keys, purse, everything locked up. (they got me locked out, they won't let me in)
3. I then proceeded to make coffee with too many grounds causing a fucking watery, coffee grounds MESS!
4. I'm wearing black and all my detached hair shows up so wonderfully well on it.
5. My Ten Year High School Reunion is next year...how depressing is that?!
6. Why did i just use uppercase on all those words?
7. I'm drinking Starbucks Cielo something or other because my boyfriend so graciously brought it to me, before even knowing about my coffee making inability this a.m.
8. The taste isn't that great...but better than a cup full of grounds!
9. I told my boss he needs his eyebrows waxed (he totally does)
10. This one time at band camp...
11. I was never in band...in fact my highschool extra curricular activities included: drinking, hanging out, going to concerts, sometimes studying, driving around aimlessly with friends with nothing to do...drinking. Basically preparing for college!
12. I work out (with my boyfriend) 6 days a week and take Wednesdays off.
13. You would hardly believe the amount of water I consume in a day.
14. I can't wait to get my tax return!
15. You don't have to be beautiful to turn me on.
16. PK turned me on to this fantastic boredom banisher.
17. My favorite colors are pink and black...to wear.
18. I love words and dictionaries.
19. My most favorite gum is Extra Wildberry Frost/Extra Bubble Gum/Orbit Bubblemint/Orbit Cinnamint. I chew a lot of gum daily.
20. I absolutely love techno, Paul Oakenfold and DJ Tiesto are among my most favorite.
21. I turned 21 in Barcelona whilst hooping it up until I puked in the bathroom, crawled out (hands and knees folks) and was dragged home by a good friend who put me in bed.
22. I have an addiction to stationary, stickers and pens.
23. I like my men (one in particular) muscular and confident (NOT cocky!)(not meatheaded)
24. Google is by far the best invention. Got a question? GOOGLE IT!!! Wonder whether or not your man/woman is right for you? GOOGLE IT! Want a picture of Mel Torme's hiney? No? okay.
25. Holy crap, how the hell can you get to 100 when I'm wondering how I'll get to 50? Halfway there!
26. Last night I dreamt my mom was cooking using ingredients that only consisted of chocolate: chocolate bars (still wrapped in aluminum) peanut m&m's, white chocolate shaped into leaves? She had a pot full of m&m's heating on the stove? I think I'm craving some cooked chocolate, what about you?
27. I love my boyfriend more than any man I've dated ever. He rules!
28. Saw an episode of Sponge Bob for the first time and laughed my ass off!
29. I'm gullible as hell. For example: My boss told me that there will be a shortage of fish (tilapia is a staple in my diet) now because of the Tsuami and that it is going to triple in price. I exclaimed, REALLY?!? He said, No.
30. Plutonium is by far the best element. It's just fun to say, Plutonium. How's your plutonium? Good thank you...Oh! You're breaking the beakers! (if you know what i'm talking about, you can join my club)
31. I read where 67% of Americans are either fat or obese. That is just sick/sad!
32. Texas is a state that breeds idiocy/lunacy.
33. I enjoy reading Maxim and Playboy. I have a subscription to Maxim thanks to a really good friend of mine! Thanks Charlie!!
34. I started reading Augusten Burrough's Running With Scissors but had to give it back before I was halfway through because the library said so! Meanies!
35. The Police/Sting, Elton John and Fleetwood Mac are seriously timeless! I love them forever and always!
36. I love comments on my blog so much! Especially if it makes me laugh!
37. I miss college. I had a blast and now...not so much.
38. I'd like to take a year and travel all over Europe. Any sponsors willing to fund me?!
39. My hands have some sweet calouses on them from lifting. It's fun to pick at.
40. I use special prescription deodorant so I don't sweat in the armpit region. This is the greatest invention!
41. I'm infatuated/obsessed with tweezing, picking and prodding. My boyfriend leaves me nothing in which to carry out my freakish desire to pick/pluck/prod. Damn him!
42. Though I once pulled a hair from his nostril region which was the FUNNIEST thing ever! His pain was my pleasure. Aww sorry love, you have to admit it was funny!
43. (He'll never let me do it again)
44. I have an unnatural desire to be hairless. I'm not a big fan of hair unless it is attached to my head.
45. I love my friends and very much value our relationship, even if we haven't spoken in a while. I love you guys!
46. I get a kick out of q-tipping my ears...it feels so good!
48. I'm almost OUTTA HERE!
49. anyone notice i skipped 47?
50. Yahoo! Have a great weekend!!!

So...

Okay I'm over the Jennifer and Brad thing already. You know this is going to be the news for like EVER. That is until an unlikely celebrity marries or starts dating the epitome of disaster. Kind of like Britney and the sorry ass she's with. Whoa that was kind of harsh.

In other non related news, the sun decided to come out in Ohio. After suffering a week's worth of rain with above normal temperatures of 60+ degrees, it is now sunny AND THIRTY DEGREES! We get punished one way or another!

On Tap This Weekend: Babysitting a 2 and a 4 year old with my boyfriend. Welcome to the single most effective birth control. This should be an interesting glimpse into parenting as well! I'm actually excited, these boys, albeit fiercely high energy, are quite a fun pair!

I saw this "thirst quenching" candy at the store today...what the hell is this? It said, when you get thirsty, quench it with this candy...er... Dude if you are thirsty, drink some WATER!

My cousin just revealed to me what could possibly be the greatest match made in heaven: Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter. Hook it up!!!

Hey Jude.

My abs are so sore from working out that it hurts to cough...YES!

No salvation

Words/Sayings/Acts of Atrocity that should be banned. These *grittingteeth* fun and lovely occurrences are heard daily through my disgusted ears. Uttered by a VERY "special" person.

1. Asking people, "What was your name?" (why? past tense, always, WHY?????????)

2. Laughing like a maniac after every word out of your mouth. (it isn't funny, nothing you say is funny!!)

3. Saying, "You Bectcha" (self explanatory)

4. Constantly, and I mean constantly speaking to yourself OUTLOUD. I can hear you, why are you talking to yourself?

5. Coming to work (if you are this person) and otherwise ruining my (every) day because of it.

Shower Schmower

Though I am a woman, I've come to find that what most women like, I don't. Why? Some characteristics I do not maintain as the society stipulated regulations reveal to be true about "most women."

Examples include: Shopping, I hate it. If I have an express purpose for my venture to the mall, that is okay. I cannot walk aimlessly through the mall with women friends and "shop." This to me is the worst form of torture.

The absolute lack of any inclination to attend Showers. Like Wedding showers, Baby showers etc. What the hell is the point of these things? Yeah, the celebrated person gets presents but for the attendees...it is pure and utter agony. Watching someone open gifts, while women chatter and coo incessantly is NOT a good time. (unless there is alcohol)

So when I was invited to a shower this weekend, you can imagine my disdain. First the invitation came from someone with whom I am not even friends nor "like." It is a co-workers wife. (I know for a fact there will be no alcohol)

Don't you love these random invites to something you now feel obligated to buy for even though you don't even like them? I don't. In any event, I didn't feel the least bit guilty about announcing my busy schedule whereby avoiding actually having to attend the shower. Whew!

popularity contests

i realized in making my blog buttons again (took me long enough, eh?) that a lot of my fellow bloggers list their beloved everyday visited links in alphabetical order.

now as you can see, i did not follow suit. however, i was thinking, "i sure hope no one gets offended that they're listed 2nd, 3rd, 9th" etc. i mean it feels like a popularity contest at times.

take for example, tim (i'd link your address but html bar is absent today) listed me first in his list. i am so happy! yay! i'm #1! wahoo!

this then leads me to think, when reading the listing of my blog friends, i hope tim isn't like, "dude, third? what the hell is up with that?!"

i've decided that i'll switch up your button weekly. this way, you all will be in the #1 slot! yayee!

(yes i suffer from extreme boredom allowing for such options to become feasible)

true Sociology major...

All the money that is dumping into the Tsunami efforts gets me a little irritated. Not that these people don't need help but to the degree American citizens are helping...it just makes me wonder why the hell we have so many people suffering in the US. I am a sociology major so i know that throwing money at the poor people wouldn't solve anything.
However, what about the taxes for nicer schools? When that issue comes around, everyone seems to become penniless. Money for education is squandered and we lose out on fully functional facilities allowing for maximum learning capacity. Higher paid teachers, up to date learning technology, the best books, smaller classroom settings for more individualized learning.
All of these things that can push our younger generations into a bright future. They are all lost because people don't pay attention to how important it is to support our schools. I don't give a damn if you don't have kids in school any longer or never did. This is the future. Why shouldn't we give them the best education with all the tools they need to succeed?!
America has shown how unselfish we can be for everyone else and surely after 911 we proved most generous to our own. However, I am talking about when there isn't a catastrophe of mass proportion. I am talking about the suffering every day that is in America and we pay it no mind.
There isn't one easy answer, but there are a lot of things we could be doing to help rectify the plaguing epidemics in American society.
Whew, thanks for reading.
*stepping away from podium*

2005 Ass Off!

A lot of women wonder what guys sit around and talk about...just like a lot of guys wonder what women sit around and talk about. Well looky, looky. I'm the lady in the light ready to share all. Obviously I know what women sit around talking about, which is:

- Asses (w/sexual connotation)
- Sex (good and bad)
- Any drama in the "circle"
- Clothes
- Men we lust after
- Asses (w/excrement/flatulence connotation)
- Drama in relationships


What do men talk about?

- Football
- Boobs
- Asses (w/sexual connotation)
- Video Games
- Boobs
- Football
- Asses (w/excrement/flatulence connotation)
- (no they don't discuss sex, as most women think)

Now then. When witnessing the ever so eloquent conversations between boyfriend and roommate, a funny thing happened with the discussion of (excrement/flatulence)asses.

Essentially, Mr. Roommate declared his ass had the most smelly by product when tooting. Mr. Brad disagreed saying that after a diet of egg whites and spinach for a week he would no doubt trump any smell coming from Mr. Roommate's ass. Laughing at Mr. Roommate's definite demise in this battle, I touted that there is NO WAY he could clear the room the way Mr. Brad's ass could.

The Ass Off was then manifested and the gauntlet thrown down.

Mr. Roommate is threatening that with egg salad for just one day, he will no doubt defeat Mr. Brad's ass and his consumption of just egg whites and spinach for a week.

If there is any justice in the world, I will not have to mediate this contest. (yes this is really what we do in our spare time)

Brad and Jenn, say it isn't so!!!

I almost crapped when I read last friday that Brad and Jenn were calling it quits. An amicable separation? WHY?! *sniff*

I was so looking forward to seeing Aniston's pregnant belly. The product of those two would have been perfection! I can't believe they are through?! 4 years! 4 years together and now this?!

They are (were, awww!) the most beautiful couple! I couldn't ever hate Jennifer for stealing Brad. She is just too adorable. They belonged together! I've lost all hope in Hollywood relationships. If they can't make it, no one can!

SINgular

I used to wonder how cell phone companies made any money off their plans. I can understand they make a pretty penny off selling their phones! Especially since they can get up to $500 a pop. (i got mine free) But the plans themselves, I mean come on! You got plenty of rollover minutes, free nights and weekends and now mobile to mobile. I have Cingular so before long everyone will be mobile to mobile! Sweet, right?

Well I USED to wonder how cell phone companies made any money off their plans...until last month! HOLY SHIT MOTHER FUCK YOU! I got our cell phone bill and it was $309.42!!!! Regularly 49.00 a month! You can imagine my face, I thought for sure it was a typo!

A typo until I saw the per minute charge (.42) plus the minutes someone went WAY over!

First, don't believe the hype. Adding someone to your line for 9.99 will not turn out to be a deal. It will end up costing much more than that!

Second, I told the rep, "Naw, we won't use that many minutes, just keep my plan the same." You will NEED extra minutes! No matter what! Someday you will find this out and it hurts, oh it hurts!

Cell phone companies are evil! If Cingular paid upwards of billions of dollars to buy AT@T you damn well know, a lot of people are also going over their minutes!

Anyone else?

Anyone else get a strange and stomach aching desire for pizza when visiting my blog?

No? Hmm, it sure is curious.

You Down Wit OCD?!

YEAH you know me!

Well tis the season to acquire various colds, coughs, flu, herpes...(er..? maybe not) from co-workers! Right now my boss is battling influenza or something similar and a co-worker has some sort of ass virus that i want no part of!

In my bodies defense I turn OCD! Every morning I am the first to arrive. I get the bottle of 409 and Fantastic and spray anything that could have been manhandled by their disease infected hands. This includes; light switches, buttons on the microwave, door handles, key boards, phone receivers, pens for crying out loud! (I've gone really looney tunes!) I do not want to share anything with these people, especially their germs! Bleh! I also do touch ups through out the day.

Ridiculous, I know, but I'm not going to get whatever they wanna give me! I'm never this anal anywhere else. Just here. Just when one of the bees is sick. I also start popping vitamins like a mad woman!

Look what my work environment created! OCD, vitamin pill popping, snooze hitting, withdrawal from society having, tree hugging, gas hating, "team america fuck yeah"ing, jesus jones hating, small heater heatering, water guzzling, picky xm listener-ing MONSTER! (i might have derailed a little (okay a lot))

Nothing can stop me now!

DUDE!

Why is it raining?! it is like 30 some odd degrees out and pouring down rain. suck!

Dude this song by Green Day rocks! Blvd. of Broken Dreams.

So my new years resolution is to not hit snooze at all (ordinarily i get a good 4-5 hits.) What do you think happened this a.m.? I hit it (twice)! Damn me!

When I told my boyfriend my new years resolution he laughed heartily for like 2 minutes. He's like, "I don't even give you a day!" I scoffed at him and said, "This will make my resolution that much more sweet when I am victorious!" So this a.m. before hitting snooze, I thought about Brad and his ability to read me like a book, Damn him!

Ever notice...

Ever notice...in the Don't Walk blinking street signs, there are no apostrophes?

Ever notice...the more "diet" options that come out in America, the fatter America gets?

Ever notice...no one hand writes anything anymore? it is all printed out/stamped! i received Christmas cards where the sender didn't even sign their names! it was either stamped or computer printed! (you know who you are!)

Ever notice...i'm not much for capitalization? call it lazy pinky finger to the shift key syndrome, if you must call it something!

Ever notice...(women) the longer you are in a relationship, the longer your leg hair gets between shaving?

Ever notice...your eyebrows and shoulders are raised for an extended period of time where you'll finally realize this and relax and wonder why the hell you were doing this to begin with?

Ever notice...your decree to NEVER DRINK AGAIN after a really bad hangover lasts only a couple days or a week at best?

how was YOUR new year's eve celebration?!

Mine? Great! Wanna know the highlights? Oh there were highlights!

Let me set the stage for you. We were put on the VIP list to a prestigious Hotel party where food and alcohol would NOT be included. This means, we were flaskn' it. I was the only female so of course it was my purse that contained all the booze. This was mistake number ONE! Under no circumstances should I ever be held responsible for pouring drinks. After a half hour and one shot of Jagermeister, I was obliterated. This meant, the drinks got stronger and stiffer! I would stumble into the bathroom, pour the liquor into our diet pops and stumble out.

Highlight #1: Whilst stumbling out of the bathroom a confrontation occurred. These are the events as relayed to me (I don't remember much from this night)

(Dominique runs into two women walking by the bathroom as she stumbles out)
Dominique: Watch out BITCHES!
Two girls: (Look back questioningly and keep walking) (thank god!)
Dominique: (walking up to brad and gigli) Did you see those BITCHES run into me?!
Brad: Sweetheart, you ran into them
Dominique: What?! SCREW YOU!! (flicking him off) Why are you on their side? Gigli, you saw what happened, they ran into me! At least Gigli is on my side! (as i punch Brad in the arm)

Can we say sloppy?

Score _______Rum & Diet Coke ------------ Dominique
__________1 ------------- 0

Highlight #2: Dominique falls on the floor. I seem to hold a record of drunk falls. Always with some assistance. (not just alcohol) This time it was the dance floor not perfectly symmetrical with the carpet. There was a small decline which perpetuated the fall. Luckily Brad was right there to one arm me off the ground as quick as I fell on it. Damn-it I love him. Ego was therefore left intact!

Rum & Diet ------------- Dominique
2 ---------------- 0

Highlight #3: Gigli decides to give Brad and I a huge hug and spills all of his drink down both our sides. From my shoulder to my foot, I was soaked. Thanks Gigli, it WAS you!


Highlight #4: After spilling of drink occurred, apparently some person of the male persuasion touched my arm. This enraged Brad, who was being held back by Gigli as Gigli yelled at him, "it was ME, it was ME!" talking about spilling his drink all over us. It was nothing other than mad confusion but apparently the person touching my arm high tailed it out of there!

Brad and I left at around 12:30 when apparently I parked my ass on the couch with my head hanging in defeat.

The next day was nothing less than the WORST HANGOVER EVER! I spent 9am to 9pm in puke position. Toast = Puke; Water = Puke; Puke = Puke

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!